The Ultimate Golf Trip?

I am sick and tired of teasers for the "Ultimate Golf Trip" commonly found somewhere on the cover of most golf publications. You have seen the type. The Ultimate Vegas Golf Trip. The Ultimate Buddies Trip. The Ultimate Golf Trip to the British Isles. The Ultimate Golf Trip - C.E.O-style. And so on, and so on. Now don't get me wrong, initially those teasers grip my attention like a vice. My adrenaline level spikes upwards. My hands get a little cold and clammy. In fact, I find myself skipping the volumes devoted to instructional tips, blowing past all of the full color equipment advertisements, and vindictively disregarding the featured write-up on the latest and greatest golf personality, in an effort to read about the golf trip of a lifetime, usually found in that short section devoted entirely to golf courses. In these holy pages, I hope to be captivated by design details, new and exotic locations, and undomesticated golf experiences from guys more fortunate than I, who are willing and able to knock my socks off with soon-to-be-legendary details of where they played, when they played, how much they played, who they went with, what it cost, and how they got away with it all. The travel section! Is there anything better? So, how is it that I can live for these details, yet find the headlines so nauseating? I guess owe you an explanation.

Here is how I see it: To the average golfer, the endless stream of unavoidably conflicting golf tips can get old in a hurry. Chances are, in an effort to acquire a new skill, you'll lose or ruin whatever you were doing well before. For cynics like me, instructional tips can easily end up as a laundry list of skills you should have but don't, or a bleak index of all the things you are doing wrong. Essentially, exact details on why your game . . .well . . . stinks. I also have a limited appetite for juicy personal tidbits on the pros. Statistically, none of us (rounded to the nearest whole number) are ever going to play on Tour, and so while we make cult heroes out of those who do, over-exposure to those with the best occupation in the entire world, and its associated perks, can also be a bit demoralizing. There is, though, a subject significant to every golfer, golf's fundamental equalizer - Golf Courses! Monuments to classlessness. Layouts, which are no respecter of persons. Designs, which upon playing, are intrinsically capable of making our scores and status entirely irrelevant. Routings that are the root of the compulsion we all share.

So, I must clarify that my recent queasiness is almost never about the featured destination, but rather with the ludicrous use of the adjective "ultimate" and the incessant and entitled way that every golfer uses it to describe every trip they have ever taken - as long as they golfed at some point between the time they left and the time they returned. This is especially frustrating when you realize that The Ultimate Vegas Golf Trip should have just been called the Ultimate Vegas Trip; since the golf was a minor footnote compared to the complete coverage of the gambling, the showgirls, the accommodations, and the all-you-can-eat buffets. Or, that The Ultimate Buddies Trip should have been titled My Three Best Friends and the Two Rounds We Played; because that is the embarrassing number of rounds that they chose to squeeze into their week-long, do-something-other-than-golf vacation. Or, that The Ultimate Golf Trip to the British Isles should have been titled The Golf Trip You'll Never Go On; since the trip's price tag is half your annual income. Or, finally, that The Ultimate Golf Trip - C.E.O.-style really ought to be titled The Great Private Courses, and How You'll Never Get to Play Them; this due to your blue-collar status and absolute lack of connections.

Cascata would be a great course for an Ultimate Vegas trip

Have you ever really encountered an article about an ultimate golf trip where golf is the central subject, where individuals are only mentioned relative to that subject, where maximum number of holes is the primary goal, where the cost of the trip is less than a grand, and where every round is played at a public course?

Now don't get me wrong, I hope that every avid golfer has his or her list of best all-time golf vacations. I also realize that the details surrounding those trips are a matter of personal preference and experience. However, when qualifying these trips for publication, could we agree on a just three simple concepts? First, chalk it up as a "vacation" if you find it necessary to mix in the sight-seeing, the shopping, the menus, or the nightlife. Second, consider calling it a "get-away" if your number-of-holes-to-number-of-days-ratio isn't at least 36 to 1. And finally, please spare me the inevitable resentment you'll cause by crowing about the exclusive play and executive spending on your most recent excursion. You are welcome tell me all about those excruciating, non-golf details; just don't advertise it as the Ultimate Golf Trip.

The perfect 36 hole a day destination: Bandon Dunes

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